The Short Person Chronicles

First off, my apologies for taking so long for another installment in my constantly entertaining and true experiences. Tales that are so terrifying, and unbelievable, that to anyone above 5'5" they must appear science-fiction. But believe me, all these tales are true, and my purpose in writing them is that you may grow to appreciate what we go through, in our constant struggle against chairs too high for our feet to reach the floor, and cupboards to high for our arms to reach.


Today, I want to talk about doing chores...from a five-foot-three viewpoint.

I'm must say, I am immensely blessed to have the wonderful chore of laundry. Sure it piles up quickly if you stop doing it, and sure there are some pretty nasty articles of clothing one has to touch in order to put it into the washing machine. True the cycle never seems to end but hey: at least it's not washing dishes.

My favorite part about laundry is folding. Taking an hour and a half to match every single sock, making sure not a single trait is skipped out on. We certainly don't want a slightly longer hem with a semi-shorter one of seemingly identical socks. And forbid that we mix a navy-blue sock with a black one. It's like a little detective game. "You thought you could trick me didn't you seemingly similar sock packages of 20 that no longer come with any more than one matching pair of socks."
Ah yes, I feel like a true Sherlock Holmes when doing laundry.

But there is one aspect of doing laundry, not exclusive to it, but for my case is prominently found in doing laundry, that is all but loathsome to me.

(<--Yup, I'm an artist too, and that speck there next to the drawn cupboard was not a mistake...it was actually an artfully placed, rogue fly, and if you don't understand the depth and significance of its presence, you must be in altitudes where the air is thinner)


That's right...the terrifying, and ominous too-high cupboard. Either tall people are completely thoughtless when it comes to cupboards twice the height of us Shirefolk, or whether they find it funny to see us struggle, this is a horrifying idea. Placed so intricately, that your fingertips can barely open it, but not in your wildest dreams could you grab anything out, or as in my case, put something in.

Though, unlike any other resourceful person, I wouldn't think of grabbing a chair to put things away. Why is this? Perhaps it is my constant desire to overcome the daily evils inflicted by those taller than me. Maybe it is the ever present hope to one day meet a cupboard that is actually placed within reach. It could be that I wish to see the big folk suffer the consequences of putting something out of reach. But most likely, it is because I am too lazy.

Either way, those towels have to get in there. And what better way to get them up there than to throw the towels up there and slam the cupboard doors shut before they all come tumbling on top of me.

I now only wish I would learn not to be the first one to grab a hand-towel. Then I could really laugh at all them unsuspecting tall people.

Until next time,
5'3"

Men

As the students began filing in from recess, Miss Sophia began writing a word onto the board.

 P-E-N-M-A-N-S-H-I-P

"Penmanship, this is a very important skill that you all need to...Uh, yes  Cales."

Miss California Aphron had shot her hand up very quickly. She was the only kindergartener who refused to play with the other kids on account of their childishness.

"Yes. Miss Sophia, I find the word you've chosen highly offensive. Penmanship excludes women, the correct term would be handwriting."

Without blinking, Miss Sophia responded, "Your are absolutely right Cales, and right after class I will tell you why I did not use it."

***

After class, California went straight up to Miss Sophia, and stared directly at her until all the other children had exited the classroom. 

Miss Sophia set down the papers she had been grading and said, "Now, you were concerned that by using the word 'penmanship' I might be offending people. And you are absolutely right in that we should be careful how we speak, because it might offend people. One wrong word can easily upset someone in an unnecessary and avoidable way. 

"But you see, I did not use your suggested term 'handwriting' because I did not also want to offend those without hands. It would be all too painful for them to be constantly reminded that they cannot write well, if at all. And this would be far more painful, I find, to be constantly reminded of a handicap, than a reminder of being a female."

"Yes, but Miss Sophia," California said, "we have no students here with handicaps. You must also keep in mind who your audience is."

Miss Sophia laughed, "Of course you're right. But children are very prone to repeat the things they hear. And if they went about. repeating such terminology around others, they are far more likely to bring about a painful reminder to some unsuspecting victim.

"Now it is possible for me to have used simply the term 'writing,' as that would have avoided offending many people, but then that could cause much confusion. In a world that is constantly advancing technologically, one could easily mistake 'writing' to mean, 'texting,' or 'typing up an e-mail.' So the term 'writing' didn't exactly fit either."

California looked down at her tennis shoes and sighed. "Ma'am, I can see what you are saying, and one cannot go very far before taking these offenses into account can become awkward. But you have become very sloppy in the way you speak. Perhaps becoming upset over this  specific word was the wrong time for me to try and prove my point, but there have been many other times I planned to say something and refrained from speaking, much to my later regret. For instance, the other day you used the word 'police man,' when you could have instead said 'Police officer.' Words like 'manage', 'mania', and 'manners', all of these words mean positive things, and exclude women as a part of it. You really must learn to take these things into account, being a worker of the state in a public school."

"Ahh yes, but you are forgetting words like 'maniac', 'demanding', and 'mandibles'. The first refers to a person of unsavory nature, the second referring to a character trait that no one wishes to be identified with, and the last ones are an unsightly growth on some animals. We are more likely the ones subjecting men to these harms, and yet we do not see them complaining. And do not forget as well, that in changing 'man' to 'woman' you still must incorporate the word 'man.'"

"But we must see fit that women, er, females get the respect they deserve. It is not so much what the word means that is the problem, it is the fact that females are excluded from it. Whether or not people will see it, women are discriminated against!" California said, raising her voice. "Have we ever had a woman president? Of course not! Despite the fact that they've given us the right to vote, and dress according to our wills, they still discriminate according to sexes!"

"Is that really the reason women are not being voted into presidency? African Americans were once considered lower than women, and yet we see today--"

"An African American man."

"--Does the fact that no woman has become president necessarily follow that it is because they are discriminated against? I'm sure with plenty of people like you in the world that is not the problem. Perhaps we have either 1) had unequipped women, excuse me, females," Miss Sophia said with a wink, "running for office, 2) they are, in comparison to other male candidates, a worse choice, 3) they are not Republican or Democratic, and are not being voted on by the majority of our country because the parties containing the most voters is not the one they identify with. 

"And are we to find a solution to this problem, if it is indeed a problem, through changing our many vocabulary words containing the term 'man'? I am certain when someone's house is burning down, no one's concern is whether or not they call firemen by their proper, unsexist names. Their only concern is likely to put the fire out.

"You see, people will always be offended, there are people in the world whose purposes are to search for why the world hates them. These people are called 'victims' (they should be happy to see that this word does not exclude any gender.)"

 California was upset, very clearly. She was obviously being picked on for her age, she was unequipped to debate someone more than several times her age. People pick on her, and it's because they don't like conflict. They want to remain shut up in their senseless little worlds without reason.

As she silently left, Miss Sophia's husband, Cosmo, entered the room. He noticed California and remained standing, holding the door open with a smile. California inwardly groaned, Typical, she thought, treating me as if I am unequipped to open a door. She stormed out, shaking her head, and with one last glance back, she saw Miss Sophia laughing as Cosmo shrugged his shoulders.